Monday, August 1, 2011

Sadie & Mary ...

Sadie was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Mary, her next door neighbour, poked her head over the fence.
Mary: "I don't like being the one to have to tell you this, but there's a rumour going around that your husband Max is chasing the Sheila’s".
Sadie: "So what?"
Mary: "But at his age! "He's over 70 isn't he?"
Sadie: "Nu, so he's 72, so what? Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"

3 Grenades ...

Paddy and Mick find three grenades so they decide to take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy says "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Anaesthesia after Surgery ...

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful".
Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was now 'cute'.
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

Hit a Pig ...

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
Son: "I've hit a pig and its stuck under the front wheel, still alive..."
Dad: "Shoot it, and then bury it..."
Twenty minutes later he gets another call.
Son: "Done that, now what do I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

Two Blind Pilots ...


Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming...

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know Jay, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die".

Friday, January 14, 2011

Thojeh Maa No Rustoh Nai ...

When I first passed my License and began to drive. I took my Dad for a drive and this is what he said to me during our journey.
"Thojeh Maa Jo Rustoh Nai, Asteh Vhin"
~ Badalee of Kenya

Machaar Marenlay ...

When I was little it was around Eid time and my dad was going to the Masjid to confirm that it was Eid

Papa(To My Mom): Au Vinyanto Misid Me Chand Narelay
Mom: Haya
Me: Kurelay Vinyonta Misid Me?
Papa: (Hot Headed) Machhaar Marenlay
~ Badalee of Kenya

Monday, January 10, 2011

Mswahili na Sonara ...

Mswaili Mmoja Alekwenda Kwa Sonara Akaona Dhahabu Nzuri.
Kuinama Kuangalia Dhahabu Akashuta Akangalia Kila Pande Kama Kuna Mtu Akamuona Sonara Kwa Bahati Mbaya.
Akamuliza Sonara: Hii Dhahabu Shiling Ngapi?
Sonara Akamjibu Umeona Tu Dhabu Ukashuta, Je Nikikuambia Bei Si Utahara!

Mental Institution ...

During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director:
Visitor: How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
Director: 'Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.
Visitor: 'Oh, I understand, A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
Director: No! A normal person would pull the plug'.
Director: (asked the visitor) Do you want a bed near the window?

Labrador Dog ...

Paddy: Mick! I am thinking of buying a Labrador.
Mick: 'Fook off', have ya seen how many of dem owners go blind'?

Egyptian Man offered Viagra ...

Amar an Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when an American comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
Amar: No, not worth it!
American: OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?
Amar: No, not worth it!
American: OK, 20?
Amar: No, not worth it!
American: How about 10?
Amar: No, not worth it!
American: Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?
Amar: "Oh, the pills ARE worth it … It’s just my wife is not worth it."

Assicons ...

E~Mooning!!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

Double Dose of Viagra ...

John went to see his friend doctor's surgery to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
John: Why not?
Dr: Because it's not safe.
John: But I need it really bad.
Dr: Well, why do you need it so badly?
John: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
Dr: (finally relented) Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, John dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
Dr: (Concerned) What happened to you?
John: No one showed up.

Concerns of a Caring Nun ...

David suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
David awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
Nun: 'Do you have health insurance?'
David: (in a raspy voice) 'No health insurance.'
Nun: 'Do you have money in the bank?'
David: 'No money in the bank.'
Nun: 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
David: 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
Nun: (becomes agitated and announced loudly) 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
David: 'Then please send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

A Clever Devil ...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog...

Hongera Mboo ...

Shirika La Kazi Duniani Limemtangaza Mfanyakazi Bora Duniani Ni Mboo…
Kwa Vigezo Hivi.
(1) Anasimama Bila Miguu Na Anafanya Kazi Ngumu Ya Kuchimba Madini Kwenye Mashimo.
(2) Anapenda Night Shift.
(3) Anaingia Shimoni Bila Kutumia Taa, Hajali Nyoka, Nge Nk. Mbaya Zaidi Hutanguliza 'Kichwa'. Hongera Mboo!

Mashujaa Day

Monday, December 6, 2010

Paddy with a Bunch of Flowers ...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,
"This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says Paddy, "You must have a vase somewhere!"

Girlfriend Complains ...

My girlfriends always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back. What does she expect?
She's in a fucking wheelchair!

A Lawyer and an Engineer ...

A Lawyer and an Engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
Lawyer: I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire, however the insurance company paid for everything.
Engineer: That's quite a coincidence, I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
Lawyer: (Looked somewhat confused) How do you start a flood?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Parish Priest and Tommy ...

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house.
It's a really hot day and he only just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin.
Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt..."

Kissed a Frog ...

I have never had the fortune to "kiss a frog princess" so to speak.
Anybody here has?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Blonde reading a Newspaper ...

I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in reading her newspaper.
I noticed one of the headlines that blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
I could see that she shook her head at the sad news...as she read the article.
Then, suddenly, she turned to me and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Once Upon a Time in Slough ...

At the end of a tiny deserted Curry House in downtown Slough, UK, sat a huge Pakistani Man. He was having a Kebab, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big Pakistani Man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Pakistani Man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the manager quickly brought over another Kebab to the Pakistani Man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?
"I don't know," the Pakistani Man replied. "Something about a job"

Three Old Golfers ...

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
Oldman 1: “Windy, isn’t it?”
Oldman 2: “No... It’s Thursday.”
Oldman 3: “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

Two Women and their Dogs ...

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....
Woman 1: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Woman 2: "I know..."
Woman 1: "How do you know?"
Woman 2: "My dog told me."

Room Full of Pregnant Women ...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Any Cheap Bra's ...

Ladki General Store Pe Jaati Hai Aur Bolti Hai
Ladki: Ek Sasti Si Brazier Dena
Dukandar: Ye 100 Ki Hai
Ladki: Or Sasti Dikhao
Dukandar: Ye 60 Ki Hai
Ladki: Or Sasti
Dukandar: Lo 40 Ki Dekh Lo
Ladki: Arey Aur Sasti Dikhao
Dukandar: Oye Chotu, Madam Ko 2 Ice Cream Ke Khali Cup Aur Ek Dhaga DeDe.

Translation:
Young lady visits a general Store
Lady: Any chance of a Cheap Bra
Shop-Keeper: This one is for 100
Lady: Any cheaper one?
SK: This one is for 60
Lady: Mmm … any cheaper?
SK: That there is for 40
Lady: Nah! Any cheaper?
SK: (Shouts at one of the salesman) Get his madam 2 Ice Cream empty cups and let her have a piece of a string.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Beggars of Today ...

A man walks past a beggar daily and gives him USD $10 every day for a year.
Then suddenly the daily donation changes to USD $. 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes, until the man's daily donation suddenly reduces to USD $. 5.00
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me USD $ 10 for a year, then USD $ 7,50 for the next year …
and now only USD $. 5.00! What's the problem?"
Man: "Well, last year my eldest son went to university, so I had to cut costs, It's expensive.
Beggar: Ok!
Man: This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
Beggar: So, how many children do you have?
Man: "Four."
Beggar: "Well, I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."