A Diary of a Newly Arrived Swahili Man From Mombasa to Toronto.

Thought you will appreciate this if you have not seen it before. It is hilarious! Notice how the Swahili spoke "proper English" when he first arrived.

October 8th --
We have arrived in Canada!!!. Finally!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect: Not too hot; not too cold.

October 15th --
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving Toronto!. This is what life is about!

October 30th --
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in. Outside may be cold, but it feels like Mombasa in this house.

November 11th --
The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.

November 14th--
It started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked Pelau an Biriyani and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Mombasa & It Was A Beautiful Sight!!!

November 15th--
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the
first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. Later, the city snow plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again, Torontonians are so friendly!!!

November 18th--
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad. We can take this. Not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is brownish grey.

November 19th--
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my backside in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately, nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

November 20th --
Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get to work.

November 21st--
On my way to work, the 4 X 4 skidded into the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white shit last night. The vehicle have salt and shit all over it. More shoveling in store for me today! De dam snow plough man did he job again. Watch me an' him!

November 22nd--
Yuh believe This? the first heating bill just come! How the hell did it come up to so much???

November 30th--
Its two frigging degrees outside! an' more snow on de way. Every damtree in the yard get damage up. An' to crown it off, the power went out most ah the night. We try to keep from freezing to death wid candles an' kerosene heater, but de heater tip over an' nearly burn down the kiss-meh-ass house. Ah manage to put out de flames, but end up wid second degree burns on meh hands. Ah nearly bun off meh eyebrow an' eyelash. Den de car slide on de white shit again! on the way to de hospital, an' we had to write it off.

December 5th --
Look at meh crosses! Dis snow ain't plan to stop soon. De ting comin' down and down as if it go never stop!! What de arse is this?!!! Ah had to put on all meh clothes that I own just to go out to my mailbox. This is real shit! If ah ever catch the prick dat drive dat snowplough, ah tell yuh, ah go cross one lash in he arse. He go bawl like ten Tarzan when he get it. Ah really think he does hide round de corner and wait 'til ah finish shovelling, den come down the street fast, fast, an' cover up we driveway again. Boy, ah tell yuh!!!

December 10th--
De power still off, de toilet freeze up. Some part ah de roof look like it ready to cave in.

December 15th--
Another mudder ass eleven more inches ah snow an' ice!!!! God know
This aint right. Ah put ah hole in de snow plough with me pick-ax but the driver get away by the skin of he teeth. If he feel he go be so lucky next time, he lie!!!

December 16--
De wife take off and left me,

December 18--
De car can't start an' ah think ah goin' snow-blind. Ah can't feel me toes an' ah din see de sun fuh weeks ! ! ! ! ! An' guess what? De weatherman predict more snow !!!! Yuh believe dat?!!! An' de win-chill is 30 friggin degrees below zero! !

December 22--
Dis Mombasa maan moving back home TODAY before dis God forsaken, kiss-meh-ass place done kill mih arse an finish mash up mih family! If ah ketch a flight, at least a could reach Mombasa fuh Christmas and some good madafoo an Mogo at light house. Toronto could haul dey arse! Hu wanna stay at dis shite place.

Water Vs Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking Rum, Gin, Whiskey, Beer, Wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

Therefore, it is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so.
It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it!!

"Save Water, Drink Beer"