Paddy with a Bunch of Flowers ...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,
"This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says Paddy, "You must have a vase somewhere!"

Girlfriend Complains ...

My girlfriends always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back. What does she expect?
She's in a fucking wheelchair!

A Lawyer and an Engineer ...

A Lawyer and an Engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
Lawyer: I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire, however the insurance company paid for everything.
Engineer: That's quite a coincidence, I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
Lawyer: (Looked somewhat confused) How do you start a flood?

Parish Priest and Tommy ...

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house.
It's a really hot day and he only just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin.
Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt..."

Kissed a Frog ...

I have never had the fortune to "kiss a frog princess" so to speak.
Anybody here has?

A Blonde reading a Newspaper ...

I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in reading her newspaper.
I noticed one of the headlines that blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
I could see that she shook her head at the sad news...as she read the article.
Then, suddenly, she turned to me and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Once Upon a Time in Slough ...

At the end of a tiny deserted Curry House in downtown Slough, UK, sat a huge Pakistani Man. He was having a Kebab, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big Pakistani Man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Pakistani Man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the manager quickly brought over another Kebab to the Pakistani Man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?
"I don't know," the Pakistani Man replied. "Something about a job"

Three Old Golfers ...

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

Oldman 1: “Windy, isn’t it?”
Oldman 2: “No... It’s Thursday.”

Oldman 3: “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

Two Women and their Dogs ...

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....
Woman 1: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Woman 2: "I know..."
Woman 1: "How do you know?"
Woman 2: "My dog told me."

Room Full of Pregnant Women ...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Any Cheap Bra's ...

Ladki General Store Pe Jaati Hai Aur Bolti Hai
Ladki: Ek Sasti Si Brazier Dena
Dukandar: Ye 100 Ki Hai
Ladki: Or Sasti Dikhao
Dukandar: Ye 60 Ki Hai
Ladki: Or Sasti
Dukandar: Lo 40 Ki Dekh Lo
Ladki: Arey Aur Sasti Dikhao
Dukandar: Oye Chotu, Madam Ko 2 Ice Cream Ke Khali Cup Aur Ek Dhaga DeDe.

Translation:
Young lady visits a general Store
Lady: Any chance of a Cheap Bra
Shop-Keeper: This one is for 100
Lady: Any cheaper one?
SK: This one is for 60
Lady: Mmm … any cheaper?
SK: That there is for 40
Lady: Nah! Any cheaper?
SK: (Shouts at one of the salesman) Get his madam 2 Ice Cream empty cups and let her have a piece of a string.

Beggars of Today ...

A man walks past a beggar daily and gives him USD $10 every day for a year.
Then suddenly the daily donation changes to USD $. 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes, until the man's daily donation suddenly reduces to USD $. 5.00
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me USD $ 10 for a year, then USD $ 7,50 for the next year …
and now only USD $. 5.00! What's the problem?"
Man: "Well, last year my eldest son went to university, so I had to cut costs, It's expensive.
Beggar: Ok!
Man: This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
Beggar: So, how many children do you have?
Man: "Four."
Beggar: "Well, I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Depressed ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the Economy, the Wars, So called Global warming, my Savings, Social Security, Kenyan Trip, Indian Trip, my Credit Card debt.....

I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

Dr's Ferrari and the Old Man ...

An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

Old Man: (looks over at the sleek shiny car) "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?
Dr: "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
Old Man: "That's a lot of money, Why does it cost so much?"
Dr: (Proudly)"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
Old Man: "Mind if I take a look inside?"
Dr: "No problem.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly the Dr notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
So, he slows down to see what it could be.
And suddenly... Wooosssh! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator, and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him Again!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, well and truly demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror please!"

Lil Red Riding Hood ...

One night at a club Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad Wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading each other on, they went back to his place.
Wolf: "Come on please just let me stick it in?"
Little Red Riding Hood: 'Stick to the story mother f**ker, and Just EAT ME!

Paddy wants a Labrador Dog ...

Paddy tells Mick ...
Paddy: I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
Mick: 'Fook off! No! I dont think that's a good idea!
Paddy: Why?
Mick: "Haf ya seen how many of dem owners go blind'?

Murphy's Got 3 Kids ...

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! "Ain't dat grand!"

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty lil ting, too...

"Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we aint got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception."
Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception...."

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat 3-in-1 oil."
She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."
Murph said, "I'll tell you... it's a fucking good thing we didn't use WD-40".

Three Young Ladies ...

Three young Ladies, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.
Lady 1: "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

Lady 2: " Well, you are not alone coz, I'm sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet!"

Lady 3: sighed and fainted !!!

A Diary of a Newly Arrived Swahili Man From Mombasa to Toronto.

Thought you will appreciate this if you have not seen it before. It is hilarious! Notice how the Swahili spoke "proper English" when he first arrived.

October 8th --
We have arrived in Canada!!!. Finally!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect: Not too hot; not too cold.

October 15th --
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving Toronto!. This is what life is about!

October 30th --
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in. Outside may be cold, but it feels like Mombasa in this house.

November 11th --
The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.

November 14th--
It started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked Pelau an Biriyani and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Mombasa & It Was A Beautiful Sight!!!

November 15th--
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the
first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. Later, the city snow plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again, Torontonians are so friendly!!!

November 18th--
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad. We can take this. Not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is brownish grey.

November 19th--
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my backside in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately, nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

November 20th --
Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get to work.

November 21st--
On my way to work, the 4 X 4 skidded into the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white shit last night. The vehicle have salt and shit all over it. More shoveling in store for me today! De dam snow plough man did he job again. Watch me an' him!

November 22nd--
Yuh believe This? the first heating bill just come! How the hell did it come up to so much???

November 30th--
Its two frigging degrees outside! an' more snow on de way. Every damtree in the yard get damage up. An' to crown it off, the power went out most ah the night. We try to keep from freezing to death wid candles an' kerosene heater, but de heater tip over an' nearly burn down the kiss-meh-ass house. Ah manage to put out de flames, but end up wid second degree burns on meh hands. Ah nearly bun off meh eyebrow an' eyelash. Den de car slide on de white shit again! on the way to de hospital, an' we had to write it off.

December 5th --
Look at meh crosses! Dis snow ain't plan to stop soon. De ting comin' down and down as if it go never stop!! What de arse is this?!!! Ah had to put on all meh clothes that I own just to go out to my mailbox. This is real shit! If ah ever catch the prick dat drive dat snowplough, ah tell yuh, ah go cross one lash in he arse. He go bawl like ten Tarzan when he get it. Ah really think he does hide round de corner and wait 'til ah finish shovelling, den come down the street fast, fast, an' cover up we driveway again. Boy, ah tell yuh!!!

December 10th--
De power still off, de toilet freeze up. Some part ah de roof look like it ready to cave in.

December 15th--
Another mudder ass eleven more inches ah snow an' ice!!!! God know
This aint right. Ah put ah hole in de snow plough with me pick-ax but the driver get away by the skin of he teeth. If he feel he go be so lucky next time, he lie!!!

December 16--
De wife take off and left me,

December 18--
De car can't start an' ah think ah goin' snow-blind. Ah can't feel me toes an' ah din see de sun fuh weeks ! ! ! ! ! An' guess what? De weatherman predict more snow !!!! Yuh believe dat?!!! An' de win-chill is 30 friggin degrees below zero! !

December 22--
Dis Mombasa maan moving back home TODAY before dis God forsaken, kiss-meh-ass place done kill mih arse an finish mash up mih family! If ah ketch a flight, at least a could reach Mombasa fuh Christmas and some good madafoo an Mogo at light house. Toronto could haul dey arse! Hu wanna stay at dis shite place.

Water Vs Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking Rum, Gin, Whiskey, Beer, Wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

Therefore, it is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so.
It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it!!

"Save Water, Drink Beer"