Beggars of Today ...

A man walks past a beggar daily and gives him USD $10 every day for a year.
Then suddenly the daily donation changes to USD $. 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes, until the man's daily donation suddenly reduces to USD $. 5.00
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me USD $ 10 for a year, then USD $ 7,50 for the next year …
and now only USD $. 5.00! What's the problem?"
Man: "Well, last year my eldest son went to university, so I had to cut costs, It's expensive.
Beggar: Ok!
Man: This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
Beggar: So, how many children do you have?
Man: "Four."
Beggar: "Well, I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

Depressed ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the Economy, the Wars, So called Global warming, my Savings, Social Security, Kenyan Trip, Indian Trip, my Credit Card debt.....

I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

Dr's Ferrari and the Old Man ...

An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

Old Man: (looks over at the sleek shiny car) "What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?
Dr: "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
Old Man: "That's a lot of money, Why does it cost so much?"
Dr: (Proudly)"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
Old Man: "Mind if I take a look inside?"
Dr: "No problem.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly the Dr notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
So, he slows down to see what it could be.
And suddenly... Wooosssh! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator, and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him Again!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, well and truly demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror please!"

Lil Red Riding Hood ...

One night at a club Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad Wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading each other on, they went back to his place.
Wolf: "Come on please just let me stick it in?"
Little Red Riding Hood: 'Stick to the story mother f**ker, and Just EAT ME!

Paddy wants a Labrador Dog ...

Paddy tells Mick ...
Paddy: I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
Mick: 'Fook off! No! I dont think that's a good idea!
Paddy: Why?
Mick: "Haf ya seen how many of dem owners go blind'?

Murphy's Got 3 Kids ...

Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! "Ain't dat grand!"

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty lil ting, too...

"Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we aint got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception."
Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception...."

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat 3-in-1 oil."
She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..."
Murph said, "I'll tell you... it's a fucking good thing we didn't use WD-40".

Three Young Ladies ...

Three young Ladies, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.
Lady 1: "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

Lady 2: " Well, you are not alone coz, I'm sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet!"

Lady 3: sighed and fainted !!!