Parish Priest and Tommy ...

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house.
It's a really hot day and he only just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".
At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin.
Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt..."

Kissed a Frog ...

I have never had the fortune to "kiss a frog princess" so to speak.
Anybody here has?

A Blonde reading a Newspaper ...

I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in reading her newspaper.
I noticed one of the headlines that blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
I could see that she shook her head at the sad news...as she read the article.
Then, suddenly, she turned to me and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Once Upon a Time in Slough ...

At the end of a tiny deserted Curry House in downtown Slough, UK, sat a huge Pakistani Man. He was having a Kebab, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big Pakistani Man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Pakistani Man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the manager quickly brought over another Kebab to the Pakistani Man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?
"I don't know," the Pakistani Man replied. "Something about a job"

Three Old Golfers ...

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

Oldman 1: “Windy, isn’t it?”
Oldman 2: “No... It’s Thursday.”

Oldman 3: “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

Two Women and their Dogs ...

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....
Woman 1: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Woman 2: "I know..."
Woman 1: "How do you know?"
Woman 2: "My dog told me."

Room Full of Pregnant Women ...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Any Cheap Bra's ...

Ladki General Store Pe Jaati Hai Aur Bolti Hai
Ladki: Ek Sasti Si Brazier Dena
Dukandar: Ye 100 Ki Hai
Ladki: Or Sasti Dikhao
Dukandar: Ye 60 Ki Hai
Ladki: Or Sasti
Dukandar: Lo 40 Ki Dekh Lo
Ladki: Arey Aur Sasti Dikhao
Dukandar: Oye Chotu, Madam Ko 2 Ice Cream Ke Khali Cup Aur Ek Dhaga DeDe.

Translation:
Young lady visits a general Store
Lady: Any chance of a Cheap Bra
Shop-Keeper: This one is for 100
Lady: Any cheaper one?
SK: This one is for 60
Lady: Mmm … any cheaper?
SK: That there is for 40
Lady: Nah! Any cheaper?
SK: (Shouts at one of the salesman) Get his madam 2 Ice Cream empty cups and let her have a piece of a string.