Sadie & Mary ...

Sadie was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Mary, her next door neighbour, poked her head over the fence.
Mary: "I don't like being the one to have to tell you this, but there's a rumour going around that your husband Max is chasing the Sheila’s".
Sadie: "So what?"
Mary: "But at his age! "He's over 70 isn't he?"
Sadie: "Nu, so he's 72, so what? Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?"

3 Grenades ...

Paddy and Mick find three grenades so they decide to take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy says "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Anaesthesia after Surgery ...

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful".
Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was now 'cute'.
She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

Hit a Pig ...

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
Son: "I've hit a pig and its stuck under the front wheel, still alive..."
Dad: "Shoot it, and then bury it..."
Twenty minutes later he gets another call.
Son: "Done that, now what do I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

Two Blind Pilots ...

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming...

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know Jay, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die".