Burkha Lady and the Soldiers

A Pakistani soldier ran up to a Lady in Burkha.
Pak Soldier: (Out of breath) 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
Burkha Lady: Ok…. Quickly!

A moment later two Military Police from IRAQ ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

Burkha Lady: 'He went that way.'

After the Military people ran off!!!
The Pakistani soldier crawled out from under her Burkha
Pak Soldier: 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq..'

Burkha Lady: 'I understand completely.'
Pak Soldier: 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

Burkha Lady: 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls as well.... I don't want to go to Iraq either!!!

Burkha = A Complete Veil worn by Muslim Women

Young Couple Caught having Sex in Public

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.
They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
Cop: "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?"
Couple: Yes! (embarrassed they apologised.)
Cop: "Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour.

Girl: What did the Policeman charge us for?
Boyfriend: "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

A Couple Visit a Therapist

A Couple came for counselling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was…

The wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ...

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Water vs Alcohol

It has now been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1kg of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1kg of shit.
That means, If we drank Rum, Gin, Whiskey, Beer, Wine or other liquors we would be safer. Because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of Boiling, Filtering and Fermentation.

It is my duty to advise you all, that you should stop drinking water.

It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

Therefore - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !!!

Eee Haaa !!!

The Chicken Farmer

A Chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
Lady: (Perks up) 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne, too!'
Farmer: 'What a coincidence,' 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
Lady: 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!'
Farmer: 'What a coincidence!'
As they clinked glasses ...
Farmer: 'What are you celebrating?'
Lady: 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologists told me that I am pregnant!'
Farmer: 'What a coincidence, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
Lady: 'That's great! How did your chickens become fertile?'
Farmer: 'I used a different cock,'
Lady: (smiled) 'What a coincidence.'

The $100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night.
Wife: 'Where in the hell have you been'?
Larry: 'I was out getting a Tattoo'.
Wife: A tattoo? 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
Larry: (Proudly) I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis.'
Wife: 'What the hell were you thinking'? (shaking her head in disdain.) 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
Larry: 'Well,
1: I like to watch my money grow.
2: Once in a while I like to play with my money.
3: I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.

Larry is recovering in hospital ward 23.

Three Lady Friends

Three Lady friends were talking about their love life.

Nina said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce, Smooth and Sophisticated and Juciy".

Tina said "Mine is like a Porsche, fast and powerful, Quick of the Mark".

Rosy chimed in” Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going".

Mrs Donovan and Father Flaherty

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Surgeon and his Dad

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
Dad: Son I have to say something to you.
Son: "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
Dad: "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

All Men

All Men are Not Fools Some are Exbians !!!