Paddy with a Bunch of Flowers ...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says,
"This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says Paddy, "You must have a vase somewhere!"

Girlfriend Complains ...

My girlfriends always complaining that I push her around and talk behind her back. What does she expect?
She's in a fucking wheelchair!

A Lawyer and an Engineer ...

A Lawyer and an Engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
Lawyer: I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire, however the insurance company paid for everything.
Engineer: That's quite a coincidence, I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
Lawyer: (Looked somewhat confused) How do you start a flood?