A Diary of a Newly Arrived Swahili Man From Mombasa to Toronto.

Thought you will appreciate this if you have not seen it before. It is hilarious! Notice how the Swahili spoke "proper English" when he first arrived.

October 8th --
We have arrived in Canada!!!. Finally!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect: Not too hot; not too cold.

October 15th --
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving Toronto!. This is what life is about!

October 30th --
The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in. Outside may be cold, but it feels like Mombasa in this house.

November 11th --
The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.

November 14th--
It started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cooked Pelau an Biriyani and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Mombasa & It Was A Beautiful Sight!!!

November 15th--
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the
first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. Later, the city snow plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again, Torontonians are so friendly!!!

November 18th--
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad. We can take this. Not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is brownish grey.

November 19th--
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my backside in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately, nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

November 20th --
Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get to work.

November 21st--
On my way to work, the 4 X 4 skidded into the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white shit last night. The vehicle have salt and shit all over it. More shoveling in store for me today! De dam snow plough man did he job again. Watch me an' him!

November 22nd--
Yuh believe This? the first heating bill just come! How the hell did it come up to so much???

November 30th--
Its two frigging degrees outside! an' more snow on de way. Every damtree in the yard get damage up. An' to crown it off, the power went out most ah the night. We try to keep from freezing to death wid candles an' kerosene heater, but de heater tip over an' nearly burn down the kiss-meh-ass house. Ah manage to put out de flames, but end up wid second degree burns on meh hands. Ah nearly bun off meh eyebrow an' eyelash. Den de car slide on de white shit again! on the way to de hospital, an' we had to write it off.

December 5th --
Look at meh crosses! Dis snow ain't plan to stop soon. De ting comin' down and down as if it go never stop!! What de arse is this?!!! Ah had to put on all meh clothes that I own just to go out to my mailbox. This is real shit! If ah ever catch the prick dat drive dat snowplough, ah tell yuh, ah go cross one lash in he arse. He go bawl like ten Tarzan when he get it. Ah really think he does hide round de corner and wait 'til ah finish shovelling, den come down the street fast, fast, an' cover up we driveway again. Boy, ah tell yuh!!!

December 10th--
De power still off, de toilet freeze up. Some part ah de roof look like it ready to cave in.

December 15th--
Another mudder ass eleven more inches ah snow an' ice!!!! God know
This aint right. Ah put ah hole in de snow plough with me pick-ax but the driver get away by the skin of he teeth. If he feel he go be so lucky next time, he lie!!!

December 16--
De wife take off and left me,

December 18--
De car can't start an' ah think ah goin' snow-blind. Ah can't feel me toes an' ah din see de sun fuh weeks ! ! ! ! ! An' guess what? De weatherman predict more snow !!!! Yuh believe dat?!!! An' de win-chill is 30 friggin degrees below zero! !

December 22--
Dis Mombasa maan moving back home TODAY before dis God forsaken, kiss-meh-ass place done kill mih arse an finish mash up mih family! If ah ketch a flight, at least a could reach Mombasa fuh Christmas and some good madafoo an Mogo at light house. Toronto could haul dey arse! Hu wanna stay at dis shite place.

Water Vs Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit. However, we do not run that risk when drinking Rum, Gin, Whiskey, Beer, Wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

Therefore, it is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so.
It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it!!

"Save Water, Drink Beer"

Burkha Lady and the Soldiers

A Pakistani soldier ran up to a Lady in Burkha.
Pak Soldier: (Out of breath) 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
Burkha Lady: Ok…. Quickly!

A moment later two Military Police from IRAQ ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

Burkha Lady: 'He went that way.'

After the Military people ran off!!!
The Pakistani soldier crawled out from under her Burkha
Pak Soldier: 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq..'

Burkha Lady: 'I understand completely.'
Pak Soldier: 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

Burkha Lady: 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls as well.... I don't want to go to Iraq either!!!

Burkha = A Complete Veil worn by Muslim Women

Young Couple Caught having Sex in Public

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.
They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
Cop: "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?"
Couple: Yes! (embarrassed they apologised.)
Cop: "Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour.

Girl: What did the Policeman charge us for?
Boyfriend: "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

A Couple Visit a Therapist

A Couple came for counselling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was…

The wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ...

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Water vs Alcohol

It has now been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1kg of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1kg of shit.
That means, If we drank Rum, Gin, Whiskey, Beer, Wine or other liquors we would be safer. Because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of Boiling, Filtering and Fermentation.

It is my duty to advise you all, that you should stop drinking water.

It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

Therefore - It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of it !!!

Eee Haaa !!!

The Chicken Farmer

A Chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
Lady: (Perks up) 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of Champagne, too!'
Farmer: 'What a coincidence,' 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
Lady: 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!'
Farmer: 'What a coincidence!'
As they clinked glasses ...
Farmer: 'What are you celebrating?'
Lady: 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynecologists told me that I am pregnant!'
Farmer: 'What a coincidence, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
Lady: 'That's great! How did your chickens become fertile?'
Farmer: 'I used a different cock,'
Lady: (smiled) 'What a coincidence.'

The $100 Tattoo

Larry gets home late one night.
Wife: 'Where in the hell have you been'?
Larry: 'I was out getting a Tattoo'.
Wife: A tattoo? 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
Larry: (Proudly) I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis.'
Wife: 'What the hell were you thinking'? (shaking her head in disdain.) 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
Larry: 'Well,
1: I like to watch my money grow.
2: Once in a while I like to play with my money.
3: I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.

Larry is recovering in hospital ward 23.

Three Lady Friends

Three Lady friends were talking about their love life.

Nina said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce, Smooth and Sophisticated and Juciy".

Tina said "Mine is like a Porsche, fast and powerful, Quick of the Mark".

Rosy chimed in” Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going".

Mrs Donovan and Father Flaherty

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Surgeon and his Dad

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
Dad: Son I have to say something to you.
Son: "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
Dad: "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

All Men

All Men are Not Fools Some are Exbians !!!

God with Adam ...

God: "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam: "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God: "Go down into that valley."
Adam: "What's a valley?"
God: (Having explained it to him) "Cross the river."
Adam: "What's a river?"
God: (Having explained it to him) "Go over to the hill...."
Adam: "What is a hill?"
God: (Having explained it to him) "On The other side of the hill you will find a Cave."
Adam: "What's a cave?"
God: (Having explained it to him) "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam: "What's a woman?"
God: (Again, Having explained it to him) "I want you to procreate."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God: ("Geez..... Onced Again explained it to him all about the Bees and the Birds in details.").
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
About five minutes later Adam was back with that confused look again.
God, his patience wearing thin, angrily asked: "What is it now?"
Adam: "What's a headache?" …

Why are Wedding Dresses in White ... ?

Son asked his mother the following question:
Son: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies,
Mom: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
Son: 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
Dad: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Sucker's Game

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar, discussing their Careers.
Tiger: 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie: 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'
Tiger: 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
Stevie: 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'
Tiger: (Shocked) 'You play GOLF?'
Stevie: 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.
Tiger: 'But - you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'
Stevie: (Explains) 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger: 'But, how do you putt?'
Stevie: 'Well, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger: 'What's your handicap?'
Stevie: 'Well, other than Blindness, actually, I'm a scratch golfer.'
Tiger: Incredulous, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'
Stevie: 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Tiger: (Thinks about it) ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'
Stevie: 'Pick a night... any night'

What Seven Year Olds Think About Beer

A handful of 7 year old children were asked
'What do you think of beer?'
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching...

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets. ~Tim

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ~Melanie

My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny. ~Grady

My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing. ~Toby

My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. ~Sarah

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool. ~Lilly

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting. ~Ethan

I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. ~Shirley

My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense. ~Jack

Midwife & a Young Lady

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
Lady: "I'm afraid I don't have a husband."
Midwife: "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?"
Lady: "No, no boyfriend either."
Midwife: "Do you have a partner then?"
Lady: "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
Midwife: "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
Lady: "Well, I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a Job as a Porno Star. The lead man was black."
Midwife: "Oh, I'm very sorry, that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
Lady: "Well yes, you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
Midwife: "Oh, I'm sorry, that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes too."
Girl: "Well yes, I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank fuck for that !"
Midwife: "What do you mean?" (shocked.)
Girl: (extremely relieved) "Well, I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

I'M a Proffesional Nurse

Nurse: "Of course I won't laugh," "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
Jim: "Okay then," and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Man Thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Nurse: (Unable to control herself,) giggled and then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
Nurse: "I am so sorry," "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.
Nurse: Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
Jim: "It's swollen."
The Nurse, just ran out of the room!!!

no Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy... my balls itch."

Complicated Luo's

Maxwell Otieno Mak'osewe grew up in Nairobi. He went to law school in London After his studies he decided to go back to Nairobi, because he could be a big man in there .There he opened his new law office.The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk and decided to make a big impression. As the man came to the door, Otieno pretended to be on the phone and motioned the man to take a seat. Otieno said into the phone: 'No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that am not travelling all the way that side to settle the case for less than a million bucks......Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear the case next week....Ofcourse I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support...That is okay with me..... And remember to give the State Prosecutor my regards, thanks... You are welcomed to call again Mr.'
The visitor sat patiently as Otieno rattled instructions. Finally, Otieno put down the telephone and said: 'I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. So, what can I do for you?'
The man took a deep breath and said: 'I'm from Telkom and I've come to connect your phone.'

Jaluo Jeuri!